Society teaches us to hustle, to grind, to wake up every morning and work vigorously until you reach your goals. For the longest time, I believed this. Being in the modeling industry, I worked diligently trying to meet the industry’s impossible standards. I worked out five to six days a week to ensure my body measurements were as small as possible. In the fashion world, models can lose huge contracts if their body measurements are off by one inch. International modeling is lucrative, so our agents would place additional pressure. I invested a lot into my portfolio and as a result, I worked with incredible, high profile photographers and I was on the cover of numerous international fashion magazines.
Magazine Covers
For a moment, I thought every sacrifice I made was worth it. Little did I know, my health was deteriorating rapidly. By the time I saw a doctor, I was severely underweight. I developed a small left atrium enlargement on my heart and had to get an ultrasound from over exercising. I was in a dangerous position but my mind had difficulty understanding this. I did everything that was expected of me in the fashion industry and being as extremely slim made logical sense. It meant that I was healthy, I was taking care of myself, I was working hard and investing in my worth. This is what society tells us over and over again.
Looking back now and being on the other side, I’m so proud of myself for overcoming anorexia and stopping myself from exercising compulsively. I was told that if I continued on my previous path, my heart could stop. I had to be reintroduced to food groups that I’ve avoided for years, most of them carbs and protein and be reminded that it’s ok to have them on a daily basis. Another vital moment during my recovery was my therapist telling me that I deserve to live, I deserve to enjoy life and to think about who I am, outside of modeling, outside of this glamourous world that I’ve known and studied for years.
I was able to gain weight and my cardiologist assured me that I have a very strong heart now. At times, I do have moments where I experiencebody dismorphia, and sometimes my workout sessions can still be a little longer. In those moments, I remind myself that I’m enough as I am. I’m grateful to be alive, to have strength again and be able to recognize this illness for what it was. I hope the moral of my story is to never jeopardize your health for any job. Life is about living and in those moments of chaos, recovery is just as important as working. I no longer believe in working hard, especially at the expense of my health. I believe in working smart, for there’s glory in rest.
monaremedios stickley says
Wow, thank you for the candid view of your journey into health. Your story is very inspiring and powerful.